a
Larry G Poss
 

Only Thing Worse Than A BAD JOKE
Is TELLING ONE!

.... Larry

In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife,
is she still your SISTER?
SEE, IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE!!

Who's On First?

Sketch by
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello

Bud AbbottAbbott & CostelloLou Costello
Hey Abbott.
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
What can I do for you??
Bud
Abbott
Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team.
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Yes. We just organized the thing.
Abbott
Oh you did?
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Sure!
Abbott
Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball.
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Well that can be accomplished.
Abbott
Well I'd like to know some of the guys names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them.
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names.
Abbott
You mean funny names?
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Nicknames. Petnames. Like Dizzy Dean.....
Abbott
Brother Daffy....
Lou Costello
 
Lou
Costello
Bud Abbott
Daffy Dean......
Abbott
I'm their french cousin,.....
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
French cousin?
Abbott
Goofe'.
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
(singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and...
Abbott
Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts!
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think your doing?
Abbott

I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ball park, because.... (grabs bat)

I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?

Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean."
Abbott
Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
Oh Yes.
Abbott
They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo (siren yell)
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
Oh Absolutely...... Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Abbott

 

That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
You know the fellows' names?
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
aaa
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
aaa
Lou Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
aaa
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
aaa
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
aaa
Lou Costello
 
Costello
Bud Abbott
aaaa
 
 

LOU:

BUD:

LOU:

BUD:

BUD:

LOU:

BUD:

LOU:

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm telling you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD:& LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Who's gettin' excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a damn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said "I don't give a damn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

 
 
 
 
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