a
Larry G Poss
 

Only Thing Worse Than A BAD JOKE
Is TELLING ONE!

.... Larry

In Arkansas, if you divorce your wife,
is she still your SISTER?
SEE, IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE!!

A Trip To Victoria Secret

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

 
VIAGRA WEEK END Side effects

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend
is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday
and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them
all."

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the
condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you
out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody showed up!"

 
Signs You Hired The Wrong Clown For Your Kid's Birthday Party * He wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

* Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."

* By the end of the party, he's got every darn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

* Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.

* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

* Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!

* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

* Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King."

* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

 
Another Man After a long night of making love with a woman he'd picked up at a
bar, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed
a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this
your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

 
Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, and especially Tennessee.

Back To The Top
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then pay to
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen
babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over
in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight, she points
out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and
ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the
pacifier out of his ass."

Back To The Top
This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again.
As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...
A whole new definition of being "pissed off".
Back To The Top
Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put " Poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a Rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The Magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with contempt, but did not utter a word. This went on for a days.
After a week the parrot said: "Ok, I give up. you got me on this one... Where's the boat?"
 

12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

Back To The Top
TOILET PAPER
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might even walk again.
 
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."
 

Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a "possum burger" too fast.

The first Hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta hep?" "I recon," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever time."

Jesus is sitting in a bar. An Irish guy limps into the bar and, with great difficulty, hoists his bad leg over the barstool and asks the bartender for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looks down the bar and says, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods yes, and the Irishman tells him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey too.
Next, an ailing Italian with a hunched back comes into the bar. He shuffles up to the barstool and asks for a glass of Chianti. He also looks down the bar and asks if that is Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nods, and the Italian says to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nods, and the redneck tells him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman,touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman feels the strength come back to his leg, and he gets up and dances a jig out the door.
Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian feels his back straighten, and he raises his hands above his head and does a flip out the door.
Jesus walks toward the redneck, and the redneck jumps back and yells, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability."
 
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.

So . . . I just switched the heads....

Back To The Top
There is a guy living in Ohio. One morning he wakes up and hears this voice in his head: "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice. Later on in the day, he hears the voice again: "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice.
Before long, he's hearing the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all of your money and go to Las Vegas." After a couple of days, he can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job. He sells his house and takes all of his money and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane he hears the voice again: "Go to Caesar's Palace." He goes to Caesar's Palace. "Make your way to the roulette table." He goes to the roulette table. "Put all your money on red 23." He puts all of his money on red 23. The guy spins the wheel. It comes up black 17. The voice says: "SHIT!"
 
A man goes into the doctor's office and he says to the doctor, "Doctor, I'm having this terrible problem. You see, I keep farting all the time. Day and night, I can't stop! It's awful! Luckily, they're the silent kind and don't smell so no one knows it's me. Anyway, you gotta help me doc!" "all right," Says the doctor, "I'll tell you what we're gonna do... first we are going to get your hearing checked. Then we'll fix your nose."
 
A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill !".
Two men were driving down a country road when suddenly a rabbit came bounding through the fields and ran right in front of their car. The driver slammed on his brakes, but not in time. The passenger jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well, do something. I can't believe you hit him." The driver said, "Don't worry. I can help him." He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The rabbit instantly raises its head. He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves again. He did this until he was out of sight. The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent Wave for Damaged Hair."
 
A woman is laying naked on a gunnery out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! "
 
A farmer sitting on his porch noticed a highway department truck pull over on the road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch, and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated the process . . . digging, waiting, refilling. After a half- dozen repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are you doing?" he asked. "We're on a highway beautification project," the driver said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home sick today."
Three idiots walk into a bar and appear to be very happy about something. “I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!” The first one says. “The drinks are on me!” “I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!” The second one says. “The drinks are on me!” “I can't believe we did it in only 120 days!” The third one says. “The drinks are on me!” The bartender is curious and asks “What are you celebrating?” One of the idiots replies, “We put this here jigsaw puzzle together in only a 120 days and on the side of the box it says from 3 to 5 years!"
Back To The Top
Did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the road? One of them was A-Salted (assaulted)!
 
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!
 
A man jumps from an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into the air. As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would you?" "Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
 
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years!!!

Then she dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue. At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!!!"
 
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!".
 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells: "Super Sex!" The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
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